“Cooler than the other side of the pillow.”

First I like to start by saying that I apologize for being so wordy.

While checking out my Facebook page this afternoon I kept seeing a bunch of RIP post about Stuart Scott passing today.  I was not sure who he was till I saw a picture and a brief bio about him being a sportscaster for ESPN. He died as a result of complications from cancer today.

For those of you that have read my “about” page know that I am a breast cancer survivor going on  twelve years.  His story touched/hit me little different then it does most people.  I am trying to process those feelings as I write this post.

There is a video clip that featured a speech that he did July 2014 at the ESPY Awards as he was the 2014 recipient of the Jimmy V (Valvano) Perseverance Award.  I watched it.  Why did I watch it?! I could have cried.

The things that he said made me further realize that I am not doing what I should be have been doing.  One of his quotes was “You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and the manner in which you live. So live! Fight like hell!“.  This hit me like a ton of bricks because I feel as though I have given in and let cancer win.

I allowed cancer to beat me…Cancer won!

I feel that I stopped living a long time ago.  I have just been existing and existing is not living.  I know all the positive things to do and say to others who I see in a similar situation but it is so much easier to have a “do as I say, not as I do” philosophy.  I need to practice what I preach.

I need to live again. I need to find out who I am again.  I need to do!

The title of this blog “Reflections for My Soul” is also the title to a book that I have been working on for a couple of years now.  It is a brief autobiography on the mental stresses that I went thru (and still struggle with) while my body was being treated for breast cancer and what I did to relieve some of the stress and mental demons that I had (have).

This should have been completed a very long time ago.  Excuses like the words aren’t right, the pictures could be better, no one will read it, no one will publish it, etc, etc, etc,… keep getting in my way preventing me from getting it done.

This is my number 1 goal for this year.  Finish my book.  Once it is finished I think I will be on my way to being OK again.

Thank you for letting me share my personal feelings and for the support that have received.

Robin

PS:  The title is one of the things that Stuart Scott would say on his show.

~4~